


Everything Stays

by frariedogs91



Series: tommy coolatta more like tommy cooltrauma [1]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: & mentions of ya boi rlly not taking care of himself, Crying, Emotional Repression, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Trauma, Whump, bad parent gman, but it's not graphic it's just tommy holding his arm really tight :(, have a wonderful day, if you wanna suggest tags in the comments go for it, not sure what else to tag this..., sorry for the main tag hl fans!, this is my first hlvrai fic so im not sure how to go abt the fandom tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28085391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frariedogs91/pseuds/frariedogs91
Summary: He shouldn't be doing this to himself. But what's a little more damage, anyways?He's the only one who'll know, after all.And he'll keep it that way.
Series: tommy coolatta more like tommy cooltrauma [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2057538
Kudos: 16





	Everything Stays

In a room far away from the others, Tommy breaks.

It’s not loud. In fact, if you entered the room, you would barely notice that he’s there unless you looked for him. Unless you really focused your ears.

In that room, far away from the rest of the science team, Tommy is alone. And that’s how it’s always been.

And that’s how it always will be.

Or, so he hopes.

It feels like he’s been like this forever, and it feels like he can’t go back now. How would he do that? How could he break, how could he really _feel,_ in front of somebody else? 

They wouldn’t want to see that. Nobody could. Nobody has.

He did this to himself, anyways. Is this not what he wanted? To have some sort of reason for whatever the hell he feels? He knows this isn’t right. He knows that his feelings are valid, and that they’re real and that they are reasonable. He’s always known this.

But here he is.

And he feels sick.

Even before this- this fucking disaster- he didn’t take much care of himself. He hadn’t for a while. 3-4 hours of sleep, a meal- maybe two- a day. It’s not that he was trying to self destruct, he just couldn’t feel his body’s warnings anymore. He’s always been a night owl, and he’d pushed hunger back until he was sick a few years ago.

And again, he knows that he did this to himself. All of this. He’s ruined his body, his mind, and his sense of self. All because he couldn’t get over a distant, selfishly twisted sense of survivor’s guilt.

Fuck.

His hands move to his arms and he grips himself tight until his brain focuses on the pain, rather than pumping out some dumb fucking chemicals.

A few silent tears travel down his face. That hasn’t happened in awhile.

_At least one of his functions still worked._

He shouldn’t be doing this. But what’s a little more damage, anyways? It’s not like his dad would notice. The only real effort that’s ever been put into him was put there by himself. Sure, the near unlimited resources provided by being the son of an interdimensional agent helped, but he beat himself up for his privilege a while ago. He can be spiteful just this once. As a treat.

He’s the only one who’d know, after all. And he’ll keep it that way.

Even when it starts pulling him away from his already few friends.

Even when it starts dragging him further and further down the unending spiral that is the staircase of complexes he’s built himself since he could think.

Even when he can no longer hold himself together.

He’ll keep it that way. No matter what.

**Author's Note:**

> not me projecting onto funney half life ai character ...... ohh boy....
> 
> hope i wrote him well!
> 
> tumblr @skelldum (main @rooftops-are-for-towels)  
> insta @skelldedum


End file.
